In the world of Splatter Elf, weird names come with the territory. The very name Splatter Elf may evoke decidedly different images for various people. Some may see sophomoric, over-the-top stupidity that revels in violence for the sake of it. Others may see a pile of shit. Yet the elusive “target audience” would be those souls that brave the butchery and sloppy gore to click with the overall vibe. These are the people I created Pissbeard for.

So who is this (un)fortunately named fellow, Pissbeard? Let’s do my first Self-Interview of Splattery Insanity!

Q. Who is Pissbeard?

A. You already asked that, shithead.

Q. We’re talking about Pissbeard, not Shithead. Is this another character we can expect in future Splatter Elf titles?

A. No.

Q. So who is Pissbeard, really? What’s this wacky fellow all about?

A. Despite his name, he’s not terribly wacky. I’d say he’s on the “fucked-up, maniacal” scale of Splatter Elf characters. He’s a “witch hunter” (in quotes because he’s not much of a hunter) and gives witch tours for rich people in the Dragon Sputum Empire.

Q. Interesting. May I ask what’s a witch tour?

A. A tour in which people watch hunters kill witches.

Q. That’s it?

A. Yeah, people with money tend to spend it in strange ways in the Dragon Sputum Empire. Monster races, monster wrestling, witch tours, etc.

Q. Well, let’s not get into spoilers.

A. Spoilers? I didn’t spoil anything.

Q. Why piss?

A. Why not piss?

Q. I take it this has some literal meaning?

A. I’d love to say it has a deep, clever meaning, but his beard is blonde. And when he was in his elf hunting days as an ear-clipper (a la Del Dannis of River of Blades and The Bog Wyvern fame), some elves caught him and pissed on his face. The bright yellow color and the faint pine-like smell never went away.

Q. Elves pissed on him?

A. Well, yes, and a giant once. He was taking a bath in the Charred Chameleon Mountains in a place that was, for lack of a better word, a giant’s toilet.

Q. Shouldn’t he have just moved?

A. He thought it was a waterfall at first. Of course, once he realized what happened, he moved. Well, he ran.

Q. Are there any other stories about creatures pissing on him?

A. No, that’s it.

Q. Thank you for the interview.

A. Fuck you.

If you are interested in more of Pissbeard, check out my upcoming collection Witch Pickle which features his story “Cavities.”