With the release of my next Splatter Elf short story “The Bog Wyvern” coming in September, I decided to post a little blog entry about some of my favorite lizard-like monsters in all of mythology/fantasy/whatever. There are loads of them obviously, since reptiles seem to genuinely freak people the hell out in real life. Maybe because they’re dangerous? That seems like a good reason. I think people probably lean more towards being afraid of snakes than lizards, but if you think about it, they’re are a lot of lizard-like creatures in the history of the world that invoke more fear than snakes. At least I guess there are. Some of these below may be more snake-like than lizard-like, but fuck it. It’s my list!
So without further ado, here are my Top 10 scary as shit lizard-like monsters (in no particular order.
Godzilla, or Gojira, is the kind of all big ass scary lizard monsters. He crushes cities, doesn’t give a shit about property damage, and seems to be an overall menace. The fact that giants moths, apes, and Walter White all want to kick his ass means a great deal. Due to him being able to breath some kind of electricity from his mouth makes him even scarier. His primal scream would make most people shit their drawers in a matter of seconds.
Hey, why not sneak some promotion in here, right? Come on, you love it! My third Splatter Elf story, “The Bog Wyvern” features several wyverns, but the main baddie pictured above can not only sting the piss out of folks with his barbed tail, he spits some kind of acidic poison as well. Fun! His poison also tends to have a trippy mushroom effect, so expect some weirdness in this story.
I’ve always been fascinated with wyverns, seemingly being the lesser cousins of dragons. Something always felt grimier about them. Like a wyvern would stalk through the woods or swamps, killing all sort of mess. Dragons chill out in caves and burn villages occasionally. My meaning is, you’re more likely to come across a nasty wyvern trying to tear your throat out, which makes them much more dangerous in my eyes.
How will the Starseer Bathbrady and his goblin companion Grinner handle this beefy wyvern? Stay tuned in September to find out!
I really just wanted a chance to use this cover since when I was a kid I wanted something with on it, but I was told it was “Satanic” so I couldn’t have it. I didn’t see it that way. I just saw a badass dragon about to chomp this warrior in half and thought it looked rad. I said “rad” a lot back in the day.
Of course dragons are the creme-de-la-creme of fantasy lizard-monsters. They’re huge, scary, breathe a variety of things that can kill you, and fly. Seriously, if you saw a gigantic flying lizard swooping towards you with a flames shooting out of its mouth you were crawl inside your own ass and die. That’s exactly what you’d do.
I haven’t explored dragons much in Splatter Elf yet (with the exception of a scene in “River of Blades” that included the phrase “Hair on a dragon, start fucking running.”), but I’m sure more will appear in future titles.
4. Giant Crocs
Giant crocs, especially like this one in Lake Placid, would make me want to never go towards any body of water again. Maybe not even bathe. Yes, I would stink to high heaven, but at least a giant croc wouldn’t burst out of my tub and snap my legs off. They’re scary to me mostly because they’re the most realistic of the bunch. Sometimes you see goofy ass photo-shopped pics of giant crocs, but I’m pretty sure there isn’t a living crocodile that could take up the whole tractor bed of a semi. If there is, I am not going to the country where they found it. Ever.
Oh, kappa. The cute little Japanese monsters that are so often the subject of cartoons, video game characters, and kitschy key chains. What’s so scary about them?
Um, maybe because the above picture is more accurate? Kappa playing with severed body parts while swimming in a river of blood. Good times! Kappa are actually an infatuation of mine considering their modern interpretation leans more towards a cute little creature that loves cucumbers, while the older legends depicted turtle-like monsters that enjoyed tearing people’s guts out of their assholes and munching on them. Yes, google it. Well, don’t google “tearing people’s guts out of their assholes.” Not sure what the results will be. But yes, kappa are nasty critters, ones that are strangely stupid because if you bow to them, they’ll dump the water out of the little bowls on their heads and then they die or something. I probably need to do more research. In any case, if you ever come to Japan, stay away from anything that looks too cute. It may eat you. (And if you are in Japan, let me know. I live there!)
6. Lizard people
Lizard people. Duh!
Note: Apparently there is some conspiracy that lizard people live among us and control the globe. If that’s the case, um, awesome?
What’s better than a lizard person than a lizard that’s on fire? I can’t think of many things. Salamanders are actually real animals, but of course they’re not on fire. If that was the case, they’d be the most horrifying lizard on Earth. As of now, I’d say a Komodo dragon takes the cake in that regard.
8. Reptile from Mortal Kombat
Originally just a dude with a green mask that lived in a spike pit for some fucking reason, Mortal Kombat’s Reptile has since evolved into an actual snake/lizard dude that can cloak himself, spit acid, and tear people’s heads off. That’s pretty cool. He wins a spot on my list simply for his ability to lash his tongue out, snatch the person’s head off, and eat it. Fatality, indeed.
This T-Rex actually looks kind of high. In any case, the Thunder Lizard is obviously one of the most feared creatures in all of lizard-dom. Its big, has a giant ass head, and little creepy arms. In Jurassic Park, they are the most terrifying of the bunch. Unless that thing that spit on Newman’s face scares you more.
10.Randall from Monsters Inc.
While I’m not sure what the hell he’s actually supposed to be, he can cloak himself and is voiced by Steve Buscemi, so he must be horrific, right? I guess if I was a kid I would shit my Underoos if I saw him. He’s a smiling, purple lizard. What’s not to be afraid of?
So that’s my list! If you can think of any scary ass lizard creatures, comment below. I’m always looking for more slithering reptiles to haunt my dreams. Not really, but go for it anyway.
If you’re interested in the Splatter Elf world, you can pick up the first two stories “The Unicorn Eater” and “River of Blades” now. Look out for “The Bog Wyvern” (my take on creepy lizard-like monsters) in September 2015.